Friday, December 24, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 24: Love


Yes, it's cliche, trite, and sappy but I don't know a single person who couldn't use a bucket load of friendship and love during this chilly winter season. Whether they be geeks, jocks, squares, preps, freaks, fashionistas, emos, workaholics, straightedges, or even grinches everyone appreciates the company of others to remind us that this world can be a magical place so long as we have one another. So avert your eyes from that new television or smartphone for just a moment and enjoy the company of others.

Go on! Why are you sitting there reading this blog?! Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka, Crazy Kwanzaa, Willy Winter Solstice, or whatever; it's cold outside and you're not going anywhere so you might as well spend some time with those you care for.

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 23: Dolls


No self respecting nerd will admit to it but we all play with dolls. We may call them miniatures or action figures but let's face it, they're dolls. This is nothing to be ashamed of, okay maybe it is, but it isn't necessarily unusual.

So put aside any preconceptions or biases you might have with grown adults owning a plushy of their favorite super hero and allow them to embrace their inner geek. Heck, some of them even fire projectile weaponry, you can't get more manly than that!... alright, you win, it is pretty lame. Don't judge us! Dispense with the toys!

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 22: The Old New


Believe it or not but new games are still coming out for all of your old gaming consoles. From the Atari 2600 to the Sega Dreamcast, indie developers are hard at work trying to reclaim some of that old magic from yesteryears. Now I know what you are thinking, isn't this what you talked about earlier this month? No, then I was talking about actual classic games that came out nearly 2 to 3 decades ago. These games, while they are intended for ancient hardware, were created just recently. So if you have a fan of old school gaming, why not buy them one of these gems, they'll reinvigorate your friend's spirit with a bit of nostalgia while simultaneously treating them to a brand new experience. How often does that happen? Not often at all; it's a unique gift that few think of and one that can't be topped.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 21: The Cheese


Garbage day, everyone! With the holidays rapidly approaching we'll soon be buried knee deep in the fallout of the winter season. But don't throw out that trash just yet, you may unwillingly dispose of a priceless gift opportunity! For reasons far beyond my understanding, bad things are seen as golden calves amongst nerdish social circles. Whether they be intentional or unintended travesties, geeks embrace these mistakes of artistic creation with more love and affection than should be legally allowed.

So forget about all the new Oscar worthy films and the games that are getting all the rave reviews. Go dig yourself up a 20 year old gem that should not have even seen the first signs of daylight and pass on the shiny new product proudly displayed on current store shelves. Much like a fine wine or cheese these things take time and a refined sense of taste to see them for what they truly are. Garbage; but garbage that deserves some appreciation.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 20: Communal Gifts


We nerds have a nasty tendency to lock ourselves in our rooms. Not that we hate company or anything, we just enjoy a little solitary confinement so that we can go uninterrupted whilst doing our geeky things. This isn't to say that we don't want others to volunteer their time to hang out with us, in fact we look forward to it.

Instead of getting your friend a gift that they will probably be using alone, buy them something that encourages group play. Purchase a multi-player console game or a board game, something that will get you all together in one room and spend some quality time with one another. Online games don't count either, it has to be something that forces people to interact with one another in the same room. The novelty may not last past the first month but the memories will linger; that I can guarantee you.

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 19: Anything Related to Zombies


To take one look at modern American culture is to stare directly into the zombie vortex. Don't ask me why, but everyone and their mothers is a fan of zombie culture right now to the point where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a die hard fan. Since its the season of giving and joy, why not buy your friend something to satisfy their brain cravings. This gift goes hand in hand with robots by the way.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 18: Class


While your friend may be in desperate need of social refinement and etiquette training, today's topic is quite literally about enrollment in classes that provide education in vocational skills. One unifying trait that is shared amongst all nerds is their obsessive focus and devotion towards the development of certain skills that are aberrant from his/her peers. since a new year is right around the corner, new winter courses will be opening at your local colleges and community centers that can teach your friends all they need to know about a plethora of diverse subjects.

Perhaps you have someone who is interested in learning some programming languages? Maybe there's an avid art buff you know who wants to begin learning the basics or augment their already impressive skills. Then there is the friend who desperately clings to the notion that they will one day write the next great American screenplay, but doesn't have a clue as to how a screenplay is actually composed. Fear not, for all of these things can be learned in classes held all across the country; and for those of you who live in the middle of nowhere, remember that in this digital age there is bound to be an online course or correspondence that can offer some tutelage to any would-be apprentice/acolyte. So grab your check book (because this stuff ain't cheap) and treat your friend to the gift of knowledge. Who knows, years from now you may actually see money back on this investment (but probably not).

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 17: Robots


Buy one! It's every nerds dream come true! Ok, they are a bit pricey but if all else fails just buy them a cheap robotic toy and put it in their stalking. There, Merry Christmas!

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 16: That New Thing


You may have noticed an exuberant appreciation for all things nostalgic on this list of holiday goodies. However, that shouldn't stop you from getting your friend that brand new item that just hit store shelves.

let me get serious with you all for one moment. Being a nerd is difficult. Aside from being a social outcast, most geeky types have to also endure the struggles of general ineptitude towards common logic and find a way to cope with the uncomfortable reality of being imprisoned within a body not tailor-made for copious amounts of physical activity. Most of us are striving desperately to fit in and while it may be shallow to say this, the advertisers are the gospel of our times. Like it or hate it, a large part of being popular is having access to the instruments that define contemporary pop-culture. The kid who owns all the cool games, movies, music, and toys is going to probably cultivate a much larger group of friends and establish a healthier social network than the person who is forced to make due with his/her decade old junk. Again, this shouldn't necessarily shy you away from getting all those previous gifts I have mentioned on this list, but bear in mind that having something a little more fresh on the wish list may just elevate them to that next rung on the social ladder.

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 15: Clean-up


let's face it, we nerdy types are not setting any sort of benchmarks in cleanliness. Walking into our rooms will quickly give our guests a sense that they have stumbled across some sort of war exhibit in a museum. It's not that we don't care about upkeep or are fearless in the face of germs, its just one of those things that falls to the back of our minds since there are so many more pressing matters at hand, like having that "Dr. Who".

This year, if you are looking for one of those gifts that's more for you than it is for your friend, then by all means feel free to hire a cleaning person to come around and tidy up that pig pen that they claim used to be a room. Sure, they'll fuss and moan, but in the end it will be beneficial to both parties. Nothing says, "I'm ready to paint my miniatures" quite like a spotless room with plenty of elbow room to move around in. If all else fails, you can get them nothing and force them to do their own dirty work.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 14: Audio Books


Reading is great but it eats up a lot of time. Every now and then it would be a treat if we could absorb a great book without having to go through all that hassle of sitting down and quietly reading. In a world that now encourages multi-tasking and getting more and more stuff done within a single day, there's nothing finer than an audio book.

I'm not preaching the merits of audio books because I'm lazy or anything, well maybe partially, but audio books are a completely different experience unlike any other form of story telling. They harken back to the primitive age when verbally communicating stories was the only way to share an idea. There's definitely something exciting about this method and it works rather well today. Thanks in large part to the internet, radio dramas are even having a come back, and guess what? You can purchase those dramas on CD or download them to your apple products.

Even if you have a friend who is not too keen on the whole idea, or is a snob who refuses to put down their books, you might as well give the audio format a try. They complain now, but when they are driving to work, are on their lunch break, or when they are working on their computer at home, they will at some point load up that audio and start playing it in the background. Life is sadly too busy for books, so get them a format they can use anywhere.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 13: Feed Their Addictions


Piggy backing off yesterday's topic I wanted to take a moment to discuss entertainment that requires upkeep. In this day of internet capable phones and instant streaming to our televisions a lot of services have gone online, even books, and in an effort to continue to generate revenue (those greedy jerks) companies have instituted various ways of allowing downloaded content via subscription fees or online currency systems. You're only a gift card or credit card payment away from adding points to their online account, thus allowing them to continue to absorb all the great things that keep them away from you so that you can have some peace and quiet once in a while.

Again, similar to the post about magazines, the gift card or money deposit depends highly on what they like to do. If they are really into purchasing songs and movies for their i products, why not get them a gift card for online purchases through the Apple store? You can also purchase them more time on their online gaming or even get them a subscription to the brand new miracles of the modern age like the Marvel digital comic book plan.

What's best about this present is that it doesn't require a whole lot of thought on your part. Instead of racking your mind trying to think of that perfect gift idea you can just give them more of what they already enjoy. Yes, thanks to the wondrous invention of online transactions (Which you strangely owe a lot of credit towards the porno industry for), you can maintain a healthy relationship with your friends and loved ones with very little thought or effort!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 12: Magazines


No matter what your friend's interests may be I can guarantee you that there is a magazine that specializes in it. From cars, movies, video games, music, and comic books there are enough publications out there to satisfy all kinds of cravings. Even if your friend isn't the type to read magazines, or read anything at all for that matter, they will definitely appreciate a colorful and compact source of information to thumb through on a periodic basis.

Most magazines allow for different subscription plans so choose one that you feel will be best. Also remember that while most magazines do monthly issues there are some that go as low as weekly and others that churn them out on a quarterly plan. It's best to keep this in mind as it allows you to gauge whether or not it would be an appropriate gift based on your friend's level of patience.

You should also keep an ear to the ground and look for things that fall into more fringe categories. Seeing as how we live in the age of the internet, most information is a web address or blog post away from being public knowledge. So instead of buying them, say, a general magazine about movie news, why not get them a subscription to a smaller publication that focuses on a sub genre like "Fangoria"?

I'll leave the rest up to you as it takes a certain kind of friendship to be able to find just the right reading material that will actually keep your friend's nose to the ink.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 11: Their Favorite Christmas Movie


Movies have a strangely hypnotic effect on people. The stories they weave are powerful enough to stir our deepest emotions and the ones associated with happier times cast an even stronger spell. The classic tales that spring up for their yearly rotation on channels such as TNT are more than just things of entertainment, they're moments of our lives attached to fond memories. Time capsules for our pasts. Holiday movies that appear around the end of the year celebrate some of the more redeeming qualities of mankind and do wonders to bring together friend and family; best of all, everyone has their favorite.

Whether you enjoy watching Chuck Jones' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", the classic "A Christmas Story", more modern favorites like "Elf", or are into the unified double header "A Nightmare Before Christmas" there are enough movies out there to bring the brightest smiles to even the grumpiest of scrooges. Chances are, if you're a decent enough friend, you already know what movies your friend looks forward to once Halloween has come and past. Check to see whether they have that movie in their collection or if they're the type to just catch it whenever it finds it's way to their cable network line-up. Why not buy them a copy so they can enjoy it whenever they please, and to seal the deal make sure you watch it alongside them to truly take in all the greatness that Christmas movies can offer.

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 10: Cosplay


ladies, looking for that perfect gift for your boyfriend to spark the flame of romance this winter? Nothing sets the mood quite like dressing up as their favorite character from science fiction or fantasy. Instead of investing in a present that will only cause your guy to isolate himself within his room, this year pull his attention away from the TV and computer monitor by showing him your wild side.

With this gift there is a large range of options for every girl. For the more prudish and conservative types there are female characters like Power Armor Samus, while the more risque women can go for the whole Felicia look from "Darkstalkers". Also, don't labor under the false impression that an ample endowment is required for this to work. There is a large range of female characters that cater to all fruit sizes, from "Street Fighter's" more modest Cammy physiques to the "Soul Calibur" Ivy girls who are a single surgery away from removing all of their lower back problems.

So head on down to your local fabric store and get crackin' on that new outfit that will surely make this Christmas one of legend. Don't bother disposing with the outfit come January, you never know when the mood might arise or when a convention is afoot.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 9: Console Upgrade


The only thing more pathetic than a gamer hopelessly attached to a single current gen system (anyone with even a shred of dignity will own two), is to be the person stuck with five year old tech. I understand that gaming consoles can be a little crippling to the wallet, but the modern systems have now been on the market for almost half a decade and have fallen considerably in price. Before you know it the knew 3ds will be upon us and within three years or so you can expect to see the next set of memory crunching graphic spewing titans of home entertainment set loose upon the market. Strike while the iron is hot and get your loved ones those dazzling creations of technical wonderment before they become obsolete.

While you're at it, throw in a game or two as well, unless you're a huge fan of expensive paper weights.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 8: First Aid


Believe it or not, but the life style of us meek and obsessive types has a lot of potential health hazards. From Carparl tunnel to scoliosis, it's a wonder how we survive at all. To keep your friends up and running like the little computers that they are, you need to do a bit of scheduled maintenance once in a while, otherwise you'll be throwing them away in a matter of months for some brand new top-of-the-line model. So here's some suggestions on how to keep your nerd a well oiled machine for years to come (not that they need any oiling since most of them probably have plenty of lubricant located somewhere near their computer. Just sayin').

Most of their hobbies from watching movies, reading books, listening to music, or painting miniatures are done while sitting down, a comfortable chair would be a nice upgrade from that rotted old apple crate they've been resting upon. Do they do a lot of reading? Why not get them a nice reading light? Eye sight is very important to many of them so think of ways to help them see without the need to strain their vision, this may extend beyond the simple gift of a new light source. A comfortable set of headphones is probably a step in the right direction for your music lover. Those painfully cheap ear buds make it feel like your ear canal was recently molested by your ipad once you take them out. Honestly, this list is pretty much endless and while I could go on listing more gift ideas I think you can figure it out from here. This is a gift they may not appreciate at first, but after a week's time they will be singing your praise for the preventative measures put in place to battle the many crippling side effects of leading the fanatical life.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 7: Event Tickets


Bust out your pen and notepad, today's topic requires a little bit of homework.

Do you have a friend that is patient? The kind of person that understands the value of of something even if its functionality takes a bit of time to see any returns on? Well, here's a fun little gift idea I know they'll enjoy. This holiday, buy them tickets to an event that you know will warm their hearts.

All throughout the year, large tours and conventions spring up all across the country which are catered directly towards those who have a certain fondness for all things nerdy. There are conventions like San Diego Con and Dragon Con, big movie events like Fantastic Fest, and even museum tours for Harry Potter and Star Trek. If you are fortunate enough to live in a big city and have the cosmos align perfectly for you, then there may be something happening near your hometown this December, for everyone else, there's the internet. Most of these large scale events are telegraphed months (sometimes even a year) in advance, meaning that you can buy tickets now for something that won't be around until November of next year. So go ahead and figure out what they would be interested in, find a place where you can get the tickets and purchase them now while they are cheap and available. Come this time next year, your friend will be glad you put so much thought and care into their gift. As a minor caveat make sure you supplement this gift with something they actually can use on Christmas day; the last thing you need is a daily reminder of how you got them "nothing" for Christmas for the next 11 months.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 6: Fuel


So many people neglect the all important stocking stuffer gift. Today the decorative footwear usually just hangs impotently over a spurious gas powered fireplace with a plastic log inside, begging to be filled with treats and candies. In most houses I seriously doubt that people even hang the stockings at all; its just another $10 wasted on some home decor that gets overshadowed by the nativity scene and chorus of singing robotic penguins. This year I suggest you bust out those cherished holiday booties and fill them with the food your obsessive friend craves; junk food!

Have you ever entered your friend's room and noticed the mound of empty Mountain Dew cans or the field of silvery Pop-tart wrappers lining the floor? Ever get the feeling that everything they own is covered in a thin layer of Dorito particulates? Well, there's an explanation for all of this. Whether they spent the previous evening pwning newbs or reading Neil Gaiman's "American Gods" for the 100th time, you can be certain that these inhuman feats of endurance and stamina came courtesy of companies like the Pepsi Corporation. So why not give them that little extra spark of energy they need this Christmas by stuffing their garish red socks with all the sugar salted brain stimulants they could hope for.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 5: Drew Struzan Art Book


Today marks my 100th post on the Feudal Cactus blog and to commemorate this monumental event I will be sharing with you a very special holiday gift idea that is very dear to my heart. Normally I suggest broad categories of items that you can buy for your friend, but today's topic is simply not the case. If someone you love is a huge movie buff (like myself) than you can't go wrong with buying them the art collection of Drew Struzan. Who's Drew Struzan, you ask? Well, let me educate you.

Remember back before the millennium switch when movie posters used to be cool? Back when they were all hand painted and provided an interesting narrative that gave you an idea of what to expect when entering the theater. Well, most of those iconic images (not all) were painted by renowned artist Drew Struzan, who gave us an entire generation of memorable movie posters to tantalize the hungry cinema masses. Today, movie posters are just uninspired composite shots of the actors staring out at the audience. What's even more shameful, is that many of these posters have taken their compositional design and layout directly from Drew Struzan's style. Clearly a case where the students did not become the masters.

Thankfully, for those of us that remember a simpler time when real artistry was employed for movie advertisement, we can now own a book that contains all the great illustrations created by the master himself. By now you might be asking yourself, "Well, how do I know if my movie friend even cares for Drew Struzan artwork?" Great question, here's how you know. Are they over the age of 20? If yes, then buy them the book. If no, hit them over the head with the book. There, holiday shopping is complete.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 4: Feigning Interest


You say that you have no money? That you can't scratch together enough spare change to even buy them a lollipop for their Christmas stocking, and you don't want to have to sell those classic Devo hats sitting in your closet for the extra cash needed for that all important gift. Worry not, for today I will be giving you some advice that won't cost you a thing other than your precious time.

Have you ever considered indulging your nerdy friend's zealotry by sitting down and stroking their ego for a little while? No, this isn't anything sexual, if it were I would have used cliche words like "yule log" in the previous sentence. Set aside a few hours/days around Christmas to listen to all their silly and borderline insane infatuations. You'll never know how little you knew or how little you cared about "Babylon 5" until you suffer through an eight hour rant fest with someone who hasn't seen the light of day in 7 months. By just lending an ear you'll go a long way towards making your friend happy.

While you're at it, also ask about their personal projects, whether they be a sci-fi epic they have been writing for the better part of a decade or those fanfics about the oh-so interesting topic of the apparent lesbian relationship between Asuka and Rei that you must have missed when they forced you to watch "Neon Genesis Evangelion". This might be painful but remember that it is free and what are a few hours of your time compared to the pints of blood sold for that "Inception" DVD they've been asking for. Actually, now that I analyzed this whole thing, just dish out the plasma and save yourself a trip to the psychiatrist.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 3: Memorabilia


Who wants a stupid "Halo" video game when you can get a coffee mug with Commander Chief's mug on it? When you are out of money or looking to get a secondary gift to compliment the one you've already purchased, why not got for a charming souvenir?

Thanks to the miracle of disposable income, people just can't seem to keep money in their pockets these days. Companies, being the clever green eyed devils they are, have quickly pounced on this opportunity to supply a nearly endless wave of merchandise for the world to consume. Your friend may consider themselves to be the biggest "Lord of the Rings" fan on the planet, but do they have the chibi Frodo t-shirt? What about the Gimli stein? Didn't think so.

People in general (nerds especially) obsess over their hobbies and interests. Why not feed that insatiable desire by giving them yet another piece of collectible merchandise or apparel. This year, give them the underwear that shows to the world just how much they love "Star Wars" or "World of Warcraft". Or keep their dignity in tact and buy them a themed lunchbox instead; your call.

(Fans of "Calvin and Hobbes" do not apply)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 2: Collector's Editions


We geeky types love our collector sets. Whether they include bonus material not found in a standard product, collect a series of important or related objects together into one affordable box, or simply come packaged in a pretty lithograph or sleeve we'll almost always go for the capitalist money grab with the bells and whistles. Don't ask me why this is a fact, but it is. Nerds just can't get enough of it and will proudly display their unique and rare collections for everyone to see.

There is one issue with this gift idea; collector's editions are almost always more expensive than the standard edition. Sometimes the price gouging is nothing more than a few extra bucks, in other instances it can nearly double the normal retail price, while others' price tags could be considered war crimes against your wallet (Gotta refresh my knowledge of the Geneva Conventions). Sadly, its a pretty steep price to pay for a bobblehead, production book, or extra disc but at the very least you can use the price as blackmail against the recipient for future favors. Ah, don't you love the holidays?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Ravenous Winter Festival Geeky Shopping Guide. Day 1: Vintage


Forget about that new video game, comic book, or movie that has just hit store shelves. Everyone and their mothers (mostly their mothers since they will be the ones doing the shopping) will predictably be elbowing each other to grab the latest piece of pop entertainment that they heard about on the evening news only for the object in question to be abandoned and quickly forgot about come mid-February. This year, why not invest in something a bit more unexpected and a little more heart-felt? Buy a copy of "Mega Man 2" for the dorks of your life and have them dust off their old Nintendo system. Go find a used first run copy of "Neuromancer", complete with authentic dog ear action! If you really want to blow their minds, go get your hands on a real vinyl record of one of their favorite old school bands or a VHS of a movie that isn't available on DVD.

Sure, you can go on to Xbox live, itunes, or journey to the local "Borders" and pick up the virtual downloads and reprints, but nothing says "I've put a lot of thought into this gift" like the real McCoy. Just remember that not all ancient tombs and plastic cartridges will cost you an arm and a leg; for just a few bucks and a little bit of extra time you'll give the nerds of this world a Christmas day they will remember for a lifetime.

Festivities and Gift Givin'

Happy Holidays internet people! Seeing as how the insatiable appetite of Christmas can no longer be contained to a single day of the year, I thought I would throw my hat into this seasonal arena by giving you all a merry little treat every day throughout the month of December. And what better way to dole out good cheer than by instructing all of you dunderheads on the proper methods of handing out gifts to all the deserving nerds in your life. Pay attention, because the list I will be providing may very well be the inspiration you need to make this the greatest Christmas your geeky friend will ever have. So without further ado, residents of the Island of Misfit Mascots, let's get this winter holiday a rollin'!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Fashionably Late Reviews: "Final Fantasy 13"

Airships, Chocobos, and plenty of crystals, its time we got down to the nitty gritty and started talking about some "Final Fantasy". Responsible for saving an entire company from going bankrupt back in 1987, "Final Fantasy" has gone on to become one of the flagship video game series of the world. Used as a sort of launching point, many Japanese developers look up to the titan of story driven role playing as a kind of big brother that they can all emulate and learn from. The popularity of "Final Fantasy" is not just isolated to the land of the rising sun though; outside of Nintendo properties, "Final Fantasy" belongs to the elite club of gaming titles that sells well both in western and Asian territories. So in 2006 when Square Enix brought their heavily touted cash cow to the HD show room floor for everyone to see, the game was met with uproarious applause. Little did the people at that year's E3 realize the game was still 4 years away from actually seeing daylight. By early 2010 the game was finally here but did it manage to show up fashionably late to the HD gaming kegger or was it dead on arrival wearing last years fashion?

"Final Fantasy 13" sends the player to the imaginary world of Cocoon, an immaculate Utopian society floating high atop the savage surface world known as Pulse, a vacation spot whose wildlife would surely ruin one's picnic if they had forgotten to bring their flamethrower. Our tale begins with the player controlling the central character of Lightning but quickly expands to include a full roster of rag-tag do gooders and reluctant heroes. whilst undergoing a go-for-broke rescue mission they encounter a Pulse Fal'Cie, a behemoth god-like being much higher on the food chain than Humans, that burdens them with an ambiguous task that may or may not include the complete destruction of their home world Cocoon. Sounds simple enough, unfortunately for the would-be heroes of FF 13, failure to complete their nebulous task results in them becoming mindless aberrations. Faced with the challenge of turning on their own society or becoming monsters the heroes set about looking for a potential third option.

Unlike previous "Final Fantasy" titles in recent memory, "Final Fantasy 13" throws away the recipe book in favor of a more character driven plot. Calling back to classics like "Final Fantasy 4" and "Final Fantasy 6", the game decidedly devotes a lot of attention to the characters and their individual struggles rather than focusing on the more esoteric qualities of the world in which they inhabit. While the dialogue can get in the way at times with its Manga-esque melodrama it never deviates so far that it gets in the way of the player's enjoyment. The characters are human enough to illicit some sympathy from the audience and their various struggles and plights are an appreciated detour from more traditional Japanese archetypes. This isn't to say that these archetypes don't exist but several of the characters' presentation suggest that the writers have become a little genre savvy; playing around with established stereotypes but managing to steer them in unexpected directions.

Unfortunately, while the story is fascinating, the world is richly imagined, and the characters breath some fresh air into the series it can't distract the audience from the clunky delivery of the exposition and the unusual plot twist that comes towards the end. Without spoiling too much, by the time the story enters its third act, any potential that existed for a cerebral and deeply moving human exercise in existentialism is squandered in favor of a more predictable conclusion. There's definitely a sense that the ending may have been rushed or that the writers put themselves into a corner.

Thankfully Square Enix had the foresight to overshadow their shortcomings by breathing a lot of life into their imaginary world and the actors of its stage. Duplicating the Bioware format, the game includes a large encyclopedia with enough information and back story to keep an enthusiast busy for hours. Contained within the massive catalog is detailed information on wars and political handshaking that took place long before the central plot which sheds some light on the current state of affairs. None of this is necessary for the plot although I will admit that with all the strange terminology that gets thrown around, this dossier is a convenient travel companion for those who are easily distracted or aren't familiar with the usual trappings of science fantasy.

Stories aside, we mustn't forget that we are in fact playing a video game here, emphasis on the word game, and no matter how grandiose and epic the tale may be if there is no solid core game play then the whole effort will collapse in on itself. Realizing that they had to bring their A game, Squarenix went all out with developing one of the most intense and satisfying combat systems ever devised for a turn-based JRPG.

Following in the footsteps of the previous "Final Fantasy", FF13 has the player forming a party of three but only controlling a single member during combat. Most of the battle is automated although its possible for every single command to be input manually, however given that the computer will almost always choose the correct attack or command it is in the players best interest to choose the "auto attack" function. While on paper this sounds repetitive and lazy, the true elegance lies within the new "Paradigm" system. Each character can progress in six distinct class roles which include: melee fighter, spell caster, healer, buffer, debuffer, and damage absorbing tank. At any point during a fight the player can have all of the party members switch their roles to take on a new task. This constant need to juggle all the different abilities results in some of the most thrilling monster thrashing in recent RPG memory as each role is essential for getting from the start screen to the ending credits.

To make combat even more engaging, each enemy has something called a break meter. The more you damage your opponent the higher their break meter fills, the higher the meter, the more damage they take; if you manage to break away enough of the enemy's resilience they enter a debilitated state where they are vulnerable to numerous special abilities and techniques that allows the player to tip the scale favorably in their direction. Understanding the mastery of the break system is integral to defeating most of the heavy hitters and discovering the best way to take down their break meter quickly becomes an exercise in paradigm manipulation and quick thinking. The challenge level is so immense that the game actually allows the player to immediately begin a battle over again once they fall rather than have them go back to a previous saved state. If you're looking for a fight, believe me, you've got it here.

Taking into account everything that needs to be learned, FF13 has the unfortunate side effect of holding the players hand for far too long. For the first 2 hours or so the game is extremely restrictive and does not afford a lot of freedom or fun. By the time the player reaches the point where paradigms open the game then sets aside the following 20+ hours to restricting which roles and characters are available in an effort to familiarize the player with the intricacies of each class before setting them out into the world on their own. While its understandable why they went with this approach there's still a distressing agony associated with it that should have been reconsidered.

To deviate from the beaten path FF13 provides no mini games or other distractions which have become a staple of the series. At first this seems a little off putting but the trade-off is that the game instead focuses on what it does well. "Final Fantasy" and most story driven JRPGs have never provided a meaningful distraction from the core experience and with "Final Fantasy 13" the developers have dispelled any illusion that they may bring an amusing, albeit pointless, interruption by simply not including any. Make no mistake, the design philosophy this time around is to capitalize on what they do best and that's exactly what they have given.

In terms of design this game probably deserves both heavy criticism and a healthy supply of praise. Fully understanding that its endeavor was to serve the story and combat the game makes sure to balance the two features equally at all times. There isn't any one point in the game where you are subjected to too much exposition or engaging a seemingly endless wave of monsters. By constantly flipping back and forth between these two key components the game prevents any sort of exhaustion which could have arisen from the hectic and mentally fatiguing combat segments. Most cut scenes are less than 3 minutes with the largest being perhaps 10 and trudging through dungeons is pleasantly broken up with bits of dialogue that help to drive the plot forward. The unfortunate by-product from this design is extreme linearity.

The game amounts to little more than running down numerous corridors engaging enemies (or avoiding them if that's your thing. That's right, no random encounters!) with the occasional branch that leads to the predictable treasure chest. Not until very late in the game does the pacing change to allow for a large open area to explore. This level design is a bit absurd and perhaps something that shouldn't exist today, however it should be observed that the "Final Fantasy" series has never been known for its complex freedom. In many ways this game is just as narrowly confined as any previous FF with the biggest difference being that this latest one provides a mini map of every zone. Inclusion of a map only serves to call to attention one of the major flaws in the design that may have been overlooked by the audience otherwise.

Character progression has also been simplified. Calling back to "Final Fantasy 10" for inspiration, character advancement is not handled by levels but instead by an evolved sphere grid system called the chrystarium. As players fight monsters they gain points that can be spent in one of the six combat roles to gain increased stats and skills. Sadly, the branching tree design has the player advancing on a single rail with little opportunity to explore elsewhere, a problem that existed with FF10's sphere grid design as well, this issue is complicated at the beginning of the game when the player is only allowed to choose from as little as one to three separate combat roles per character. Add to that the inability to advance beyond certain stages because of a built in capping of level progression and there doesn't seem to be much freedom at all.

Luckily, this all gets alleviate towards the end of the game. Eventually the caps get disappear and all six combat roles are available for experimentation. Once this happens the progression has a great deal of depth as it allows the player to freely jump back and forth between classes to cherry pick the numerous talents that suit your characters' individual needs. Not every character's trees are built the same either, just because you have two characters maximized in spell casting does not mean they will be using the same spells or behave similarly. The character Snow for example, is one of the weakest and most limited spell casters but he can cast faster than anyone else, likewise, Hope, a spell casting juggernaut, may seem ill suited for the melee combat tree until you manage to unlock the ability "ruin" which is most devastating in his hands. There's a great deal of balance and synergism at play to allow for some fantastic character progression, unfortunately it comes way too late in the game. Thankfully the spoils of war are not too far to be found and battling the endless supply of disposable enemy obstructions leaves a wake of treasures and weaponry.

Adhering to well received standards, spitting open the head of the biologically engineered wolf results in the discovery of shiny trinkets that can be sold for money or used to synthesize and upgrade items. The process is a bit easy and uninspired compared to other contemporary RPGs but its a welcome addition none the less. Any means of jazzing up the item acquisition system is desirable but it is very obvious that the development team had their priorities elsewhere.

One tradition that is strangely missing from FF13 are towns with save points filling in all the grunt work for item shop. Again, this is most likely done to strip the game down to the essential elements the series has done well while simultaneously throwing away the tedious and annoying bits. I understand the logic here but it would have been nice to see them try to reinvent the tired old formula rather than taking a chainsaw to the offending dead limb. Despite all my claims and hypothesis' on how or why these changes made it into the final product, once a person sits down and plays the game it becomes all too obvious that it must have had something to do with the presentation.

From a technical perspective, "Final Fantasy 13" may not be biggest powerhouse of this current generation of high definition marvels, but it may well be the most visually arresting. The sheer amount of detail and artistry that has been painstakingly molded into every single inch of this title is astounding. Running along a corridor may seem like a boring proposition, although it is quickly dissolved when you realize you've just spent the last 10 minutes standing in place looking at the architecture of the building nearly a mile away in the background. A great deal of care went into the environments and each of the characters' life-like movements and facial expressions. Throw all of these features into a big bucket of high fantasy art design and one gets the sensation that this game was pioneered by the largest group of video game artists working in Japan today.

In terms of audio quality the game gets high marks as well. Despite a few egregious examples, the voice acting work generally ranges from excellent to stellar. In particular, the actors they got to portray Sazh and Hope are amongst some of the best you can currently get in gaming with each actor pouring a lot of subtly and emotion into their performances. Vanille on the other hand will make you want to shove something sharp into your ear canal, but her voice is an unfortunate consequence of a Japanese affectation that simply doesn't work in English, no matter how great of a voice actor you get. "Final Fantasy 12" it is not, but its still pretty good.

Taking an unusual step into strange new wildernesses, veteran composer Nobuo Uematsu is absent from this title as he passed the torch on to Masashi Hamauzu. Following in Nobuo's footsteps, Masashi desired to create a similar feel for this entry that would run the full range of emotions leading to both some unusual and dazzling moments. Trying to emulate several of Uematsu's more goofy soundtracks for playful or offbeat scenes, Hamauzu ended up crafting a pretty large misstep of uncomfortably forced silliness. However, for the more sincere and sweeping musical numbers, Masashi has managed to pen the most haunting melodies that will surely resonate inside your skull for years to come. The dichotomy that exists with the score is a little bizarre, but to Masashi's credit, the big songs that are meant to be emotionally compelling hit home like no other and in this reviewer's opinion are some of the best that the series has ever known.

The biggest flaw with "Final Fantasy 13" is simply that the project was too ambitious. In a recent article released by Square Enix, the company defied convention by coming forward and admitting that the project had problems due to the lack of a unifying goal during the early development period. In an attempt to appeal to a mass market they stumbled around too much early on and could not include everything that was necessary for a next generation title. As a result they fell back on some of their original ideas and removed anything they couldn't get finalized with their budget and new vision. Despite falling short on their own expectations, "Final Fantasy 13" still managed to be an impressive feat of the modern age and provided some of the best characters and combat that has come out of a Japanese role playing game in years. "Final Fantasy 13" is certainly not the best game out there but it certainly is not the worst the series has to offer either (Those NES titles have not stood the test of time that well, and numbers 8 and 9 just seemed like experiments in self-indulgence rather than a truly realized project), still I'm glad its here and while it takes a little while for the momentum to build, once you've sunk a few hours in it will run away with you leaving behind a pretty memorable experience.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It's Over 9000! Actually, More like 300 Million. On Second Thought, Nobody Knows.

Whilst spelunking the labyrinthine abyss known as the internet, I ran across an interesting article regarding EA and the way they handle their MMO projects. The news was leaked by a soon to be ex employee of EA (perhaps currently unemployed for all I know) who spilled the beans on the office politics and social disarray of EA management. He used the platform of a blog site to post an anonymous tell-all tale which illustrated the failings of EA when it came to the production of the "Warhammer Online" game.

Not to be cynical, but last time I checked very few people actually still cared about that game, but what DID catch people's interest was a small confessional embedded deep within the post about the upcoming MMORPG "The Old Republic". Captain anonymous, who also goes by the nomenclature: EA Louse, informed the viewing public that "The Old Republic" has currently racked up a development cost of $300 million and that most of the money was thrown towards the Olympian voice work going into the project. EA Louse had labeled "The Old Republic" as a failure and within hours, or perhaps days (To be honest I am too lazy to look up the exact response time) EA officials countered with their own explanation of what was happening internally and wished to debunk the disgruntled former team member and shine some light on their side of the story.

Now it wouldn't be the internet if people didn't start posting their opinions about this scandal, and post they did. Some sided with EA Louse to point fingers at the money devouring corporate entity, others saw eye to eye with the management and cited that this was merely the rantings of a desperate man who found himself in a position of no steady income. Still others pointed out that the anonymity of this whole debacle leads to the possibility that this person may not have actually been employed with EA and others suggest that the truth lies somewhere in between.

So, what do I think about this ordeal?

Well, the error that should immediately be spotted is the cavalcade of logical fallacies that most of the interweb goers are stumbling across; the most egregious being the golden mean and obedience to authority. However, when all is said and done all the evidence points towards the fact that there is no evidence. All we have as outside viewers are anecdotes and testimonials from both sides, neither of which are providing proper facts that we can use as a means of analyzing their claims.

Just to put my neck out and expose my devilishly sexy pasty white neck (remember executioner, aim for the tan line) I'll go ahead and say that I am not the biggest supporter of EA. Despite this admission, I am not the kind of person to go out and attack my opponents just because they have wronged me or because I disagree with their business Modus Operandi. Regardless of the mountains of posts and blogs and professional game site coverage devoted to this recent development, it still comes down to the fact that no one has demonstrated they are holding the briefcase that contains the golden truth. People need to accept the fact that until strong evidence comes out in support of either sides' argument the proper stance is to have no stance at all. Show a little humility and be willing to side with the age old scientific method of, "I don't know".

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Penny For Your Thoughts

No, seriously. I will give you a shiny freshly minted penny if you can tell me the two glaring errors with this PSA. On second thought, you get no penny and you owe me $100 if you can't identify what is poisoning my brain here.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Been Working

I hate to keep coming back here only to post an apology this month, but here it is. I suppose you deserve some sort of explanation. I've been doing a lot of writing and preliminary work on another project that is unrelated to my blog, as a result I haven't had much time to post new articles. There may be radio silence for another few days, but if I feel frisky I might manage to get my next post finished and uploaded here shortly (god willing).

So again, sorry but there won't be as many posts this month as there have been in the past. If all goes well, things will be back on track here in a matter of one week, give or take.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Wait, Did I Miss Something?


Recognize this face? Well you should! He's only the most popular internet/pop-culture meme to sprout to the surface since the Star Wars Kid!

For those of you who don't know, Antoine Dodson is a man who was interviewed by his local news channel when his sister was almost raped by a trespasser in their home. When interviewed Antoine gave a surprisingly gallant and eager warning to the sex offender informing him that retaliation and justice would prevail. His energy and earnestness was so unique that the footage was leaked onto the internet where he became an overnight sensation.

Following his popularity, a Youtube group famous for using auto-tune technology with news footage created a song from Antoine's charismatic message. Within weeks the song hit the Billboard top 100 and became one of the most downloaded songs on itunes. Antoine mania was in full swing and there were no signs of it stopping. Antoine would soon be invited to the BET awards to recreate his famous performance in a live venue and shortly thereafter was used to promote new software for various iphone gadgets and tools. This is a man who stumbled upon success, a man who lived the American dream, yet with all the celebration for Antoine going on its easy to forget one minor detail of his "road to fame" story. Wasn't his sister almost raped?

I hate to be the stick in the mud, and admittedly I am not the first person to point this detail out, but this all started because his sister was sexually assaulted by some criminal sex offender. To make matters worse, the guy was never caught!

Maybe I'm projecting a little bit of myself here, but if I was Antoine Dodson's sister I would be a little agitated about this whole ordeal. Imagine for a second that you were almost a victim of rape, one of the most horrifying scenarios that could play out in a person's life, and as a result your sibling goes on to become America's sweet-heart.

News stories like this lead me to think that my apartment has been laced with some sort of hallucinogenic toxin that is slowly pouring into my veins as we speak because I honestly can't wrap my head around this. As a society we've always been a little weird and when I stand back and assess the situation I can't stand idle for long and claim that this chain of events surprises me. Still, its a little weird and I would love to read or see an interview with the sister to get some insight into her side of the story. Then again, who am I to complain? This video is hilarious!

Time to Get Back on Track

October took a lot out of me, between my caddywhompus daily schedule and the strain of Monster A-Go-Go, I feel nearly burned out. For that reason I have decided to take a few days off from writing on my blog. Vacation time is now over though and I will get back to posting some articles very soon.

Unlike the very decided October session, November will have no central theme so the articles posted will be somewhat random as I settle back into the original mold of the Feudal Cactus column. There's a lot of things that I need to get done this month before December hits, I've been promising several articles for months now and I need to finish them before I get stuck in the quagmire of holiday themed articles that I have steadied in my cross-hair.

That's all there is to say for now. Point of this post was to tell you all that my break time is over. I'll be flagellating myself back into my work so expect some pretty interesting things over the next few weeks. Until then, stay prickly!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Monster A-Go-Go: The Devil


He goes by many names: Ba'al, Akuma, Iblis, Diablo, but in any English speaking country he is better known as the Devil. The granddaddy demon of the abyss and overlord of all that is wicked, if there is carnage and chaos there's a chance this figure may have had some involvement.

This past month I have talked about many of the evil beings in our narrative history and while many of them are nasty in their own right, credit needs to be given to the Devil himself for inspiring them in the first place. Without the Devil there is no evil and a strong argument could be made that all the great villains and monsters of lore were working through or working for the prince of darkness himself; seeding his evil wherever they roam. There are many different versions of the Devil, but it's when he goes completely unopposed that he works best.

Sure, if you are viewing the devil from the perspective of the Abrahamic religions he doesn't seem like too much of a threat. After all, he is a lesser being than god and most of his work in the bible is very indirect outside of Genesis. However, the idea of Satan when applied to a story where he is allowed to roam wild is when he becomes a truly ghastly thing to behold. Witnessing the actions of the pure manifestation of all evil with no barrier in check is enough to send chills down anyone's spine. He's more cunning than us, more powerful, and can manipulate humans as if they are marionettes and there's nothing to stop him.

One moment he is haunting a person as punishment for a crime, the next he is possessing an innocent to try and corrupt humanity, and when he's really feeling vile he just kills people in the most agonizing and psychologically depraved manner possible. Unlike most monsters, the Devil is given license to choose to be either a creature with a goal or a force of aimless destruction. This strange dichotomy amplifies his already frightening image as it ensures the audience will never be 100% sure on the Devil's MO. Even if an explanation is given, we can't be guaranteed it's the truth since most stories claim that he is an expert liar and the master of deception. With so many conflicting ideas and theories circling the King of the Underworld what can we truly attribute to this creature? Well, I have a thought....

Humans recognize when bad things happen and we don't like it very much. Many times, these catastrophes occur naturally and are completely out of our control. This gives us a diminished feeling of control on the world around us. However, there is one way we can harness it, one way that we can try to reason with it and give us the false impression that we can possibly change the outcome. We can label it. We can give it a name and a personality; we can project human characteristics on it. We can call it the Devil.

Sadly, as much as we'd like to design a character that explains these problems we ultimately can't escape from one undeniable truth. The Devil is the cocktail of Human fear and hubris, all the things that we can't explain or overcome and for that reason he will always be with us and will always be our greatest adversary.

Happy Halloween!

Friday, October 29, 2010

October Comes to a Close

Monster A-Go-Go was sort of a weird little experiment that I jumped into without a whole lot of thought or direction. I originally wanted to just talk about monsters that I thought were particularly cool and interesting, but the more I pondered on the subject, the more I realized I wasn't going to be able to chat about all my favorites. To make things even more stressful, after a few entries I regretted not having some sort of order to this whole mess. If Captain Hindsight were here I'm sure he would have told me to order them in some chronological manner or focus on genres and market recognition. Sadly, this year was not the case.

Luckily I intend on living another 12 months, so you can bet your last nickel that I'll be opening Pandoras box in October 2011 to try my hands on this thing once more. There will be better structure and probably more thorough critiques and analysis' of each monster. Considering how many creature didn't make this years cut I can guarantee an awesome presentation for next year.

By now you've probably noticed that there are still three days left in October and before you ask, yes, there will be one more Monster A-Go-Go. The final one will be a special treat. What is it? Can't tell you, but I hope it will put a smile on a few people's faces. Until then you'll just have to pass the time chewing on some candy corn and listening to your favorite haunted house records in the dark.

Have a great Halloween and thanks for reading my blog all this month. October 2010 has had the most postings my blog has seen yet. I'll have to remember to set aside time to make a monthly theme for my blog in the future. Christmas seems like an ideal season, don't you think?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Monster A-Go-Go: Dr. Frankenstein's Monster


I'm not sure how I got this late into the month of October without talking about Dr. Frankenstein's monster, but there ya go. This stuff happens. So let's get down to brass tacks and analyze what it is about this monstrosity that makes him so entertaining.

Originally created from the mind of Mary Shelley, the story of "Frankenstein" deals with a scientist who animates a creature composed of human parts. The creature is not an evil spirit or a hell-spawn sent to Earth to commit crimes of unspeakable evil. Dr. Frankenstein's creation is just a simple-minded, borderline mentally challenged, undead servant who is completely unaware of its own strength and capabilities. When the creature accidentally kills a young girl, the local villagers grab their favorite pitch-forks and torches and decide to destroy the unholy construct for its crime.

Over the years, and thanks to a little help from the Motion Picture Association of America, the monster has gone through some pretty drastic changes. First and foremost, it seems the monster has adopted it's creators name and is now universally accepted as being called Frankenstein. Many films and other forms of pop-culture have demonized the figure and changed it into an actual monster that goes about killing people under the command of the loony Dr. Frankenstein, as can be seen in most of the Hammer Horror pictures of the '60s. Despite these changes, there's a great deal of appreciation that goes out for the original design. Many horror fans like to wear Frankenstein Knowledge as if it were fastened to the breast of their coat like a badge of honor because true love of the Frank scores some major brownie points amongst the more rabid of guru frightenologists.

Despite his decline into becoming more of a mindless beast, there still exists redeemable versions of the creature; my favorite being his portrayal in "Monster Squad" where he befriends a group of children and even sacrifices himself in the end to save their lives'.

Sure, Frankenstein's monster may look hideous and he may be nothing more than a mound of walking corpses, but its his innocence that makes him so charming. And as much as I love the pure of heart monster I also enjoy the destructive titan. In either version it comes down to one key feature that sort of defines the beast, he has no true identity and tries desperately to understand the strange reality that is his existence. There's something very meta about this monster, an element that exposes the horror of being an outcast. How one might survive in a world that wants you dead. It's a troubling thought but a thought that deserves some attention.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Monster A-Go-Go: Henrietta


What a horribly heinous horror hag Henrietta is. Sam Raimi's word's, not mine. The Henrietta monster isn't exactly what I would call scary, but this monster deserves a lot of recognition just for being absurdly cool. Designed by now famous make-up artist, Greg Nicotero, and performed by a very young Ted Raimi, Henrietta is the ghoulie basement dweller that has made "Evil Dead" fans howl with delight for nearly 25 years.

So what is it about this creature that makes her so appealing? Maybe there's some deranged joy in seeing a sweet and kindhearted motherly figure being distorted into an inhuman demon. Or perhaps fans of the movie love her for her tenacity and brutal undead strength and vigor. Although I suspect the real reason people adore Henrietta so much is because she's a riot. Every scene involving Henrietta is intense, humorous, and over the top, causing her scenes to coagulate into some very fine entertainment. One gets the sense that there's an extra layer of care and precision woven into each of her appearances and this fact is worn on the movie's sleeves.

When compared to the other Deadites of the film, Henrietta often comes into the scene bearing wacky sound effects, distinct and memorable quotes, grotesque stop-motion effects, and some great energy that ricochets off the other actors. Henrietta is more than a monster, she's an abomination that pleases all necessary elements that a horror buff considers important. She's hilarious, repulsive, and downright sinister and we wouldn't have her any other way.

Henrietta, I salute you!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Monster A-Go-Go: Ghosts


You probably noticed something a little odd about today's picture. This is not an error, or some strange malfunction on Blogspot's part which caused them to upload a corrupted image file. No, the image is supposed to be blank and for good reason.

The subject of today's Monster A-Go-Go is the ghost. That eerie phantom specter that haunts the darkest rooms of our homes, mansions, ruined hospitals, apartment complexes, and wherever else we feel compelled to spend prolonged periods of our lives sheltered in. However, I'm not interested in talking about the lame white linen bed sheet ghosts that you might see in a Charlie Brown Halloween special, I'm talking about the invisible predators that stalk the living in their ever increasing quest to snatch away our sanity.

Similar to the Werewolf segment about a week ago, I'm not going to focus on any single noteworthy monster because they are all good in their own way. This doesn't mean I won't be writing about any of these shady characters though (in fact the next entry happens to fall neatly into this category), but for the moment I just want to celebrate all the scary figures that manage to evade ocular detection.

Ghosts are an impressive monster because they tear away at one of our most primal fears, our own imagination. Whenever a person is sitting alone in a quite place, surrounded by the creeping shadows of a room that draw longer and longer upon each corner and wall, that is when this monster makes itself known. The sudden creek of a settling house, the rustling of leaves and branches against our windows, the howl of a creature somewhere in the distance, these all evoke tense dread from a person trapped in this situation.

The very mythology that surrounds these phantom fiends suggests that they feed off our paranoia as part of their hunt. A ghost will torment their victim slowly by starting small; moving objects and making noises in the night. Targets of the ghosts' attacks will be dismissed by their peers and told that it is all in their head, thus isolating them from any sort of external help. As the nights go by the hauntings become more and more intense until finally the supernatural spirit strikes with a violent force of aggression, and then its too late. An ethereal ghast that gains pleasure or sustenance from the misery of others is a delightfully scary concept and the sadistic pleasure they derive from toying with their hapless human hosts just amplifies their already spooky presence.

Without a doubt, ghosts and apparitions are some of the oldest monsters in existence because they encapsulate the very common things that we all experience and fear. The most frightening thing in this world is that which we don't see and the power of our own imagination can sometimes work much better than any computer or make-ups specialty team.

To leave you with the timeless words of Alfred Hitchcock, "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it".

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Monster A-Go-Go: Evil Ed


Today's monster is so cool, Brewster!

Lot's of people hear that when you are making art its sometimes best to work off the foundation of a master in the field. Alfred Hitchcock's work is a great template to start from if you're leaning towards suspense. Unfortunately, this method churns out a lot of derivative cheap knock offs of some of his finer work. Take for example my Favorite Hitchcock film, "Rear Window". We've seen this one emulated hundreds of times but none ever comes close to recreating the charm of the original. This is a fault that originates from the next generation failing to alter the work, afraid that adjusting even the slightest of plot details would for some reason be sacrilege. When finished, we're left with a rip-off rather than a proper homage. In order to make the new property work you need to throw something strange into the mix; completely remove it from familiar grounds and use the inspiration as a launch point for the new vehicle. Use something as fresh as - Oh, I don't know. Maybe vampires?

"Fright Night" is as much a parody of horror films as it is the real McCoy. Long before the meta fictional scary movie handbooks of "Scream" or "Zombie Survival Guide", people of the 1980s were given this excellent horror/comedy about a boy who spies on his nextdoor neighbor only to discover he's a vampire (Get the "Rear Window" talk now?). Its got a great plot, terrific special effects, and gives loyalists all they could want. The cherry on top of this delicious sundae comes from the outstanding performances which includes a remarkable Peter Cushing analog played by "Planet of the Apes" alumni, Roddy McDowell. Seasoned veterans aside, there is one youngin' who puts on his best purple Galactus costume and starts chewing up the scenery whenever he is ushered into frame, Evil Ed.

When we first meet the character he is introduced as the best friend and foible to the lead actor. Despite not being all that important to the plot of the first half of the film he still outshines everyone around him. With his hilarious catch-phrases, strange cadences, and sometimes alien behavior he entices the audience by offering up a perfectly relatable "other guy" stereotype. He's that strangely annoying friend that everyone knows and tolerates because of their authentic charming personality. The actor here appears to have been poured into this role's shoes and communicates these feelings very effectively.

Not to spoil too much, but halfway through the movie the antagonist vampire turns poor little Evil Ed into one of his dark minions of the night, and this is where the performance skyrockets out of our planets gravitational pull. Watching him transform from the misguided youth with a fancy for the occult, to the rudest guest you could possibly welcome in your home is fascinating to say the least. There's something hypnotic about how he can act so differently while in the monster make-up while still channeling all the things that made him recognizable as his earlier human self. There's not so much of a tonal shift here as an increase in energy. consider it a lateral movement in appetite at the very least.

They say that Teenagers can be frightening, but I don't think any concerned parents have imagined anything as twisted as Evil Ed. This character is the nerdy monster kid who got his break in life. He was offered the chance to become what he loved and to grow into a much more powerful individual. The film never explores what possible route this change could have brought, like the possibility of seeking vengeance against any bullies who troubled him in the past, but in a way we don't need to. We can see the joy in his eyes and the madness that's flooding his brain. Dracula may be reserved, and the younger vampires like the one from "Let the Right One In" come across as too vulnerable and shy to let their true self show, but Evil Ed has no inhibitions. He loves what he's become and he lets it all hang out.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Monster A-Go-Go: Michael Meyers


For my money's worth, Mike Meyers is the king of slasher villains. Why do I hold him in such high regard? Take a look at the ending credits to the original "Halloween" film, you'll notice that there is no entry for Michael Meyers, only for something called "The Shape". How terrifying is that? "The Shape", as to imply that it is no man, to suggest that even though we know his name, even though we see him as a child, even though Dr. Loomis can confirm that it is a real man behind the mask, we are still unsure as to whether or not we are actually looking at a person.

Mike Meyers works because he is a contradiction. Here we have something that is beyond a shadow of a doubt a normal man, and yet he exhibits all the characteristics of something unnatural. He cannot be killed. He shows no emotion. he has an unsettling pace and determination to accomplish his goals. A supernatural explanation should be given and would be acceptable, and yet there is never any shred of evidence found to suggest this. We instead have a person who we can't explain; an anomaly that goes beyond a mere freak genetic deviation and explores the realms of the unknown. To complicate matters, we can't even reason or communicate with it on even the simplest of reptilian logic. We have no understandings of its motives and are left completely puzzled by who or what it is beyond a name and a child's face.

Take a look at the other house hold names of horror for just one second. We know that Dracula is an undead being with specific wants and weaknesses. Frankenstein was constructed from various human parts and brought back with science. Jason was a boy who was drowned and comes back as an undead killing machine. Even the ambiguous Freddy was a pedophile who was burned and comes back from the dead via dark magic to kill us in our dreams. Mike Meyers is something else.

Mike Meyers is the most mysterious monster out there and his inexplicable existence is what makes him such a powerful nightmare. There's nothing worse than the fear of the unknown and old Mikey here sure keeps us shrouded in the dark. Let's hope some idiot in Hollywood doesn't screw this up by getting the bright idea of doing an origin story to try and explain his pa... oh wait. Goddamn you, Rob Zombie.

Monster A-Go-Go: Freddy Krueger


Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney Jr/Sr, these are the names of horror. In the great era of black and white screams, there was a lot more depth to the creature on screen than make-up and clever writing. The monsters themselves needed emotion and character, we needed legendary performances in order to creep us out and the stars at the time were more than happy to deliver. in the '80s, the monsters that were being birthed didn't have a whole lot to say, it was less about internalizing the beasts and just accepting them as mindless brutes. While this can and ultimately was a good thing, it meant that most people never knew who was behind the mask and rarely did they need to know. However, there was one creature who consistently had the same actor come back to the stage time and time again, Freddy Krueger.

Unlike Michael Meyers or Jason, Freddy was a villain who talked. Not only that, but he liked a good jibe, pun, and sarcastic quip. He was a campy baddy who ate up the scenery and continued to deliver the laughs alongside the horror no matter who was behind the director's chair or inking the latest script. With such a large ego and super inflated stage presence, the character demanded strong talent to fill his shoes. Thankfully, the world was blessed with the brilliant Robert Englund.

Until recently with this year's remake, Robert Englund has always been Freddy. Overshadowing his peers, Freddy Krueger had the honor of maintaining the same look and personality for around 3 decades of fun filled frights. Sure, maybe he was a little goofy looking and after a few entries in the series it became more about the jokes than anything truly scary, but we still have Mr. Englund to thank for his amazing performance. Freddy was more about making something timeless, a being that would become a piece of historical cinematic art. Freddy is the poster-child for '80s horror and is now the very bottled essence that defined an entire generation of terror.

We all know and love Freddy (Strange considering he's a child molester), and its all due to that quirky personality. He's vile and cruel, but at least he'll make you laugh your way to the grave. Thank you Robert Englund, thank you for reminding us that sometimes its the actor that truly makes the difference.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Monster A-Go-Go: The Thing


Imagine being stationed at a remote arctic base, hundreds of miles from civilization. No forms of communication with the outside world beyond a crude radio that works so long as the snow isn't causing a whiteout. There's very little entertainment and the only other people there are a handful of researchers and a couple of snow dogs. Now imagine that on top of all these other horrendous living conditions, there's a shape shifting alien being slowly killing off all of your team and no one knows who to trust.

The creature known only as, The Thing, from John Carpenter's movie of the same name is one of those creatures that works well on a psychological level but also a very physical one. John Carpenter's movie is a remake of a classic horror movie, which is based on a short story entitled, "Who Goes There?". When you have the premise of a creature systematically killing off people and assuming their identities and trapping the protagonist amongst friends who may no longer be his allies is a bone numbing experience of clockwork horror. Where John Carpenter went one step further though, is with the creature's gruesome transformations.

Rather than just depict a monster constantly in human or dog shapes, the remake of "The Thing" draws open the curtains to reveal a macabre sideshow of terror that invites the audience to question the very nature of how such effects were done and begs, "Is this thing real?" The visceral quality of The Thing is like looking at an operating table where everything has gone wrong. All the various parts and components that would make up an organic life-form are all there, but in much greater number and thrown about haphazardly into a jury-rigged monstrosity.

The gooey features of flesh, bone, and whatever else a mind can imagine draws upon the fear of body horror; fear of ones own shape and functions. There's something strange about seeing a chest cavity opening into a maw of gnashing teeth, or watching a man's head escape from its body as a living crab entity. What's worse, because it can assume whatever form it wants, it has no limitations. If the being needed extra limbs or mouths or claws to flense it's victims, it could grow them.

This particular monster scores quite high on the gross-out meter and is why it is so celebrated amongst horror fans. When a creature attacks both mind and stomach, you know you're in for one hell of a ride.