DQ9 Review (No, its not about Dairy Queen)

Square-enix , or “Squeenix” as the rabid fanboys lovingly say , is a company I find myself constantly entranced by; peering over their shoulder like a stalker or some worrisome mother carefully examining every move they make to ensure they don’t end up as a hobo due to the B- they received on a history exam from 2nd grade. The difference being that my obsession with the company has spawned from an interest in all the unusual and experimental stuff that comes flooding out their doors. Say what you will about their ever increasing need to become a motion picture studio, Square-enix is still around because they perform more terrifying experiments than a necrophiliac locked in a morgue

But a company cannot stand on experiments alone lest we forget the fatal flaw in Dr. Frankenstein’s new medical science of prosthetics. That’s why Square-enix periodically releases something old school and familiar to soothe the tooth aches of the winy emotionally challenged adults that look towards their past with a form of nostalgia that borders on the edge of Mel Gibson lunacy, more like Edge of Darkness lunacy, har har har. So to appeal to this group which is fast approaching the endangered species list, Square-enix comes out with throwbacks to classic RPGs usually packaged in the shiny new box of a remake (how progressive) or in this case, a Dragon Quest title.

On its surface Dragon Quest 9 is exactly what this niche market of gaming culture is clamoring for. Instead of polished graphics and overly bloated soap opera-esque melodrama the game focuses heavily on simplistic RPG mechanics that follow the dance routine of click attack to kill monster, grind until you level, acquire new skills, navigate menus, repeat, and eat another Oreo you fat RPG sad sack. While this all sounds well and good on paper, what a lot of people seem to forget is that the old method is rarely the best, unless you’re talking about forms of torture. With the modern shift in RPGs leaning towards a focus on active action that involves the player and epic league storytelling, the classic turn based combat and traditional “Knight saves world” plot feels a little lazy. This isn’t to say that there is anything wrong with this direction, but it is a bit limiting.

Dragon Quest 9 begins with the player assuming the role of a guardian angel, wings and all. From the get go you can change the look of your character, although there were no beard options nor a clickable check box to have the characters’ testicles descend and thus dispelling any possibility of playing an emotionally interesting character or any character over the age of 12 for that matter. Being the mature and sophisticated journalist that I am I made the least human looking youngster I could and went off on my grand adventure of slaying the innocent towns folk only to discover this isn’t one of those free to choose your own adventure games. Nope looks like its tree worship for me! Huzzah!

The story of Dragon Quest revolves around feeding a powerful tree happy thoughts in hopes that it won’t start killing you with wind in the same vein as a M. Night fantasy. Throughout the game you assist people with their problems, like removing that nasty growth on top of the monster’s neck. Being a good Samaritan results in prayers being given to you as some kind of voodoo power that the gluttonous tree devours in its ever continuing quest to trump god on the meter of self-absorbed tiddly-wink masters. This is the sappy stuff of classic gaming although if it had been a little wiser and chosen a more Meta approach where it gives you an even vaguer plot structure with insipid goals I think it could have worked much more effectively.

Say what you will about modern games, hell even Final Fantasy 13, but one brilliant revelation that RPG developers have unearthed over the past five years or so is a method of challenging one’s brains and reflexes. Dragon Quest’s simple formula doesn’t really do this and instead showcases one of the biggest problems with older RPGs and that is the illusion of depth. Whenever an old school enthusiast tries to debate the merits of the older game play mechanics they will claim that it was more about strategy than action. Ok, I will admit that turn based strategy does offer a great deal of meditative play, but very few games actually capitalized on it. There is a possibility to offer a compelling multi-layered element of challenge to this tried and true system but few games can accomplish it. Dragon Quest doesn’t even come close.

Instead the core structure revolves around grinding. Kill enough monsters and no enemy will be able to topple you. Feel free to wave your dick at him while you do so and tea bag his corpse in the honor of Master Chief. Buy the next piece of armor and weaponry at the local store to increase you stamina and have an all nighter – err….

The developers do try to spice things up a bit with some wi-fi group play and gorgeous 3D graphics, but these two things only serve to throw you into a suicidal frenzy; haplessly attacking bee hives and polar bears at random hoping for a painful demise. The element of wi-fi allows you to party with local friends but comes at the cost of completely ridding the game of any true or memorable party members. Gone are the days of the campy-fun sidekicks with unique personalities and back stories, now you travel around with mute henchmen who have a creepy level of anonymity circling about them. For all you know that person who helped you defeat the metal slime is a child-molester. If he tells you he likes the size of your sword it’s about time you reach for the power button.

As for the graphics, they are really impressive for a DS title but create the impression that maybe they spent too much time on the presentation and forgot about a few other things. You know, like that whole fun factor category.

All and all these complaints wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t for the games sloooooooooow pacing. By slooooooow pacing I mean this is analogous to a sloth being carried by a group of snails across a street covered in molasses uphill – during an ice storm. The first hour or so I encountered only one fight, yes one. The rest of the time I was running around towns talking to the static people about topics as interesting as the benefits of fiber for one’s bowel movements or the local farm girl’s recent herpes development. I realize that most of the dialogue was optional and I could have skipped it but I’m a purist, which is another way of saying I suffer from an extreme case of Stockholm syndrome when it comes to “classic” roleplaying.

Despite all of these complaints, I can’t help but enjoy Dragon Quest 9. I said ENJOY, not love. This is a decent game that calls back to a simpler time when things were perhaps too simple in the IQ dipping below 75 sort of way. No, it’s not perfect, but then again it doesn’t need to be. I completely understand why it exists and to be fair its better that games like these continue to be released. Without them I don’t think people would really appreciate how far games have come. Then again, I don’t think anyone really notices at all. If only there was some way to capture their attenti - Hey, look! It's Seth Green!